k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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