final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
