my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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