i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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