WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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