woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
