I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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