watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
