is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
