i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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