Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
