i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
