the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
