allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
