you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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