So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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