The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
