Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
