i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
