Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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