I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
