Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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