I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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