somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
