I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
