I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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