I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
