Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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