Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
