Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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