I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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