Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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