i already hear my dad disowning me
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
