Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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