just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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