Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
