i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
