Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
