just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
