my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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