No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
