I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
