So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
