I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
