the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
