he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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