So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
