I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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