I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
