I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
