I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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