Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
