We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
